If you are wondering where I have been, I have just been under a lot of stress lately. Not sure if any of you have the unfortunate time having to take antidepressants in this day in age; That is where I stand right now. Sometimes I have great days and others are way harder than others. I always feel like people are out to get me or I feel like the heavy weight is on my chest. The pressure that sits in my frontal cortex or at least that is where it feels like where the pain sits, I feel like being locked in a small room with the demon on the other side pounding at the door. Ever since I moved to Vermont I have been taking antidepressants. The demon showed itself on the ride to Vermont honestly. I live with it, begging it to leave me alone, but it won’t unless I take my meds. No amount of meditation, praying, or soothing techniques will coax the demon to leave me alone. I guess it doesn’t help that I am a people pleaser also huh? I believe it’s a toxic combo. If my father could see me now I know he would be very disappointed in me. I guess that also is something that keeps me in the lows points of my life. To many people tell me oh you need to be more positive and look on the bright side, but what if you get to a point when the bright isn’t so bright as you think it was at one time. In relation to the title of this entry it’s referring to a number of hours I have left before the sun rises and the demon awakes again and the pain starts all over again. If you are wondering if I am referring to an actual person (That is up to your interpretation).
until Later All,
Sleepless in Vermont
Yes With myself, the feeling of self worth. Pleased
With my life, the feeling of everything falling into place. Pleased
With my daughter, knowing everything this going to be okay. Pleased
My relationship with my friends, knowing some has your back anytime of day. Pleased
With my husband, knowing through the tough times we never give up. Pleased
I am pleased with my hair evern though it my give the thought of being getto, I am happy with myself even though I stare at the scale a little to long hoping the numbers will change. I am pleased with my daughter even though she has a hard time following instructions. I am pleased with my husband even though he spends way too much time at the computer. Pleased, the sense of calmness in ones life!
Not sure if my readers understood that I am “Black” or African American. Living here has taught no matter where you live someone is going to hate you because you are different. All my life I have seen this, and it’s quite disturbing. I fear for my daughters sake because my child is light skinned and as soon as I go next to her and take her some place she is already being judged at the age of three. I got my hair done yesterday and I did something different, my hair is in twist by the ends are purple. I personally love the color purple and I was thinking of my own happiness when I got it done. From the time my mother in law picked me up to me talking to others I started to feel like I did something wrong. Mind you , before I came in contact with another human outside of the hairdresser’s house I was perfectly happy with my hair. In this moment I wish I lived in the city where people could careless or even say how cool it is but here it is a different story. I wish I didn’t get my hair done now. Every time I make a decision that makes me happy I can here my mom calling me stupid and that I have no class. Sigh, that’s it for today. Hopefully, I can post something happy the next time around.
Hello all, Sorry for the days without posting. It has been difficult for me to post anything because I start negatively talking to myself which puts me in a depressive mood. Today, I went outside and basked in the 59-degree weather. I took my daughter outside and jumped in the puddles. Most of the time living in Vermont I feel like an outside not only that because I wasn’t born here, but also and African American is rarely seen in these parts. I usually get the “What are you doing here” stares, so when I got it today I just couldn’t take it. It made me angry I am just like anyone else around here just trying to make a living and provide for my family. I love Vermont, other than the unbearable winters I do love the clean air and the ability to visit the farm and purchase the really genuine maple syurp. All I am trying to say is that the stares aren’t necessary folks. I know I am different from you, but instead of staring how about offering a hand of friendship and welcome?
Good Evening Readers, sorry that I am posting so late it is wonderful to have a child the adores your every motion, but on days that I have things I would like to do it make time seem like there is not enough in a day. Today reached up to 30 degrees, and dear me if I tell you I was outside basking in the sun as much as I could. I even went to the library today.
Today reached up to 30 degrees, and dear me, I tell you I was outside basking in the sun as much as I could. I even went to the library today.
The picture above I took on my way to the library (please keep in mind I was the passenger). Looking out the window all I could see for miles are trees covered in snow. If you look hard at this picture it is almost like the trees were dancing and were making their final pose. I don’t go out much in the winter unless I have to work, but since I recently quit my job going out seem like an impossible task, but not today. I walked right outside with my Muck boots and marched my way to the post office and even took a little walk. If you have environmental depression (depression caused by lack of sunlight or lack of Vitamin D) I suggest you muster all your energy and enjoy the 30 degree days while we have them. Until next time readers. 🙂
Hello Word press fans, well the soon to be fans; I am writing from the No-Ever-heard of Brownsville Vermont. I am what you call a Transplant Vermonter, which means I wasn’t born here. I am from Queens, New York. I bet you are wondering what is a city girl like me doing in a frozen tundra of New England, I would have to reply Family. It is the best place I know of to raise a child and not have corruption of city life. The photo featured above was taken today at 5:00 pm.This is the view of my backyard. It has that nice winter scene going, on doesn’t it. I hope this blog helps new people that come to live here in Vermont. It is not for the faint of heart to settle here. If you hate the cold, go somewhere else. If you don’t like mud (definitely do not come here). There is such a season called “mud season” and it is exactly how you would imagine (Mud Everywhere). Well, if you want to continue this blog journey with me I will post once a day about my days here in the Green Mountain State.